Hand Me That Crown Of Thorns. Please.

Monday, October 10, 2011                                                                     Photo By Reuters/Ciro De Luca


This message is for Jeff Tripp, maker and owner of the Hyperkey and the establishment Perfect Fretworks. First, I would like to say that the Hyperkey looks to be an extremely expressive instrument, with a very original format. I really like the three dimensional feel for it.

I first came accross it on the website www.synthtopia.com, and I immediately found your website, www.hyperkeys.com. This is where it all ends for me. You come accross as a pompous, aristocratic douche bag, to put it lightly. Your website, which by the way looks like a child put it together, is full of stupid and snarky comments, which im assuming you personally wrote. My favorite has to be: ‘Price: If you have to ask, you cant afford it’. What the fuck does that even mean? Are you so full of yourself that you can’t even list a price? Do you NOT want customers? I personally, CAN afford it, unless its over $50,000, and if it is, than your even stupider than I could ever have imagined.

While it is a cool design, and a very good idea, if the average person cant afford it, how are you supposed to succeed. I see you only have 4 employees. That is probably because your not going anywhere, you will never take your business to the next level. Congratulations though! Jordan Rudess played your keyboard! He is awesome, but YOU are not. You pretty much lose any chance of getting any new customers through your stupid website.

I hope that you read this and take into account what I said. I NEVER go out of my way to e-mail people like this. I made an exception for you, because i hate seeing something so unique being made by someone so fucking stupid.

In light of recent events, it made me think. What if Steve Jobs marketed his Apple products the way your market your own? Apple, and Mr. Jobs, would have had a very different story to tell, and we as a people, would most likely not ever have the kind of cool gadgets we enjoy today.

Have a great day, and I hope that sometime soon, you take your oversizedhead out of your own asshole.


Name Redacted

Dear Name Redacted:

I have spoken to our accountants and marketing people and, regrettably, they tell me the current price is $50,001.

Yours in music,

Jeff Tripp

Hand Me That Crown Of Thorns. Please.

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